doll

The Clone and her Shadow

"I exist in the shadows, somewhere she doesn't know"



Did you ever had that feeling that you are in someone else's shoes; that everything that seems to be happening to you are not the way things you planned to be? Did you wake up every morning, doing the same thing over and over again and at the end of the day; you know that you are going to the same things tomorrow? What's sad is that you don't have the control when you are wandering around while someone is doing all those mundane things for you. You suddenly realize this skin is not really yours and that someone is actually in it and it's not you.

I have this feeling for eternity and I couldn't make it go away. I don't know how to express it for I am neither bitter nor sad. I don't understand myself and I don't know myself; but I just know this person who shares my bed and appears whenever I look in the mirror is not me. I'm not comfortable being around this person. Yet she has everything any fifteen-year old girl wants: a complete family, lots of friends and a bright future. But I don't like her. She doesn't like me too, I can tell very well. She has taken over my life and there is nothing I could do about it. Somehow, every goddamn night, I want to jump on her bed and put my fingers on her neck as I watch the pupils turn white; as I watch her take her last breath because I never want her to live anymore. I've told myself that I am going to kill this monster.

But she is strong; she has a will of her own. And I also want her around whenever I sometimes feel I need something to rely on to make everything look easy for me. I need her to enjoy the company of my friends or do things in school; I need her to make the appropriate social responses so I won't disappoint my critical bitch for a mother and someone I look up to like my father. She does all these things for me when I get stoned and slipped away. She enters the perpetual ring of my consciousness and makes all the choices for me.

She is my hero, my mighty provider and even though she is my clone, I learn to tolerate her. I don't love her nor do I truly accept that she is the one waking up in the morning to do things for me. But I am still alive; I can use my physical body once in awhile but that only happens at night. I am restless and there are those happy moments of insomnia when all I do is dream...let myself go to all the pressures of an adolescent life when my clone believes firmly in God while I, myself is agnostic.

She knows the consequences of bad actions but I'm the one who can't resist the temptation. I have a lot of unnatural cravings and sometimes they all manifest at the wrong times. Sooner or later I break her off and I came to exist in the morning instead of her. And when that happens, I don't know what I am to do for she is the one who does all the doing and I do all the sleeping. I am out of control and that is not good. I show no mercy, fear or reason.
What do I live for? My clone seems to know. We exchange places sometimes. One moment she is the kind-hearted girl who is polite and very poised. But then I launch from the surface and become the vindictive, selfish brat that my parents want to get rid off as soon as possible. No one wants to take me in and they all loved my clone. I don't know where shall I be or where I shall place myself when everything I do is disastrous and plain stupid.
You do not suddenly accept the fact you're an outcast; I never did. I just learned to live with it, ignore it and just get it over with. The fact is they want my clone to have my life because she can handle it properly. If I became the one who controls my life, I might only get all sorts of troubles and I may not live at all.

I am grateful that my clone is here to protect me and to make everyone else believe I am fine even when I'm not. I cannot live in this world and roam around a dull, melodramatic existence. I'm better off invisible while I watch my clone do all these wonderful things and wish it was me; but it's only a wish, a far, far away dream in the deep slumbers of my twisted mind.

This is my story, you can say. But basically, it's my entire clone doing all the things here but I am inside her. Funny thing is she doesn't know; if she did, she may find a way to destroy me. And I could not let that happen. I may find a way to dispose her once and for all but for the meantime, I'm still here. Each time my clone walks around on a brightly-lit street and maybe, just a maybe, I am her shadow.

(no subject)

so... i'm new. that's it.

i'd been going to the same psychiatrist for 6 years-- since i was 13. today, i finally made the switch. i am extraordinarily picky about my large array of doctors. they must be women, and i must get a warm, fuzzy feeling around them. if not, they're out. no questions asked. i went in, very hopeful, and met my new mental healthcare provider. and i absolutely love her.

i suppose the main reason i'm writing in here is to dispel a bit of the terrible feeling i've got brewing in my gut. i spoke with dr. gupta and we decided that it's time to taper off my effexor xr. i have been on 300 mg for approximately 3 years.

i'm really not looking forward to withdrawal symptoms. i know how i feel when i'm a few hours late taking a dose-- what is this going to be like? i'm quite a psychiatric drug buff, when it comes down to it. i've read all of the brochures, the websites, the boards, etc. i research each and every drug before i am put on it.

unfortunately, all except for effexor. i don't know if i'm ready for the emotional, mental, and physical roller coaster that is switching medications around. believe me, if anyone knows about this ride, it's me. i am determined to get rid of this terrible drug, but i'm scared as hell.

so, i guess i'm looking for comiseration/empathy. and a bit of support. has anyone else come off of effexor? is anyone else on it, or have you been on it?

(no subject)

I have a question & I hope this is an appropriate place to ask it. :)
I work in a psychiatric hospital & am familiar with the Hipaa laws, but I'm unsure about something that has come up. My boyfriend was going to a public assistance psychiatric clinic for a year or two & quit going after he felt they couldn't help him any longer. He and I have since gotten into an argument:
He believes if he goes into another clinic they will be able to see his records or at least KNOW that he went to this other place. I on the other hand, having the Hipaa laws DRILLED into my head at work think otherwise. Isn't it true that without written consent from the patient a hospital or clinic can't get ANY information on their past treatments? More importantly, even know that they've GONE anywhere else? Because it's public assistance in both cases, would it be any different? Please help us end this argument! :)
Thanks in advance <3
zebra

(no subject)

alright yeah this is getting kind of hard to deal with,

i have no short-term memory
my moods keep cycling super rapidly worse than before with outburts of laughing when things really aren't all that fucking hilarious
i'm seeing sunspots/black bars and plankton falling from the sky again
i keep thinking that i am seeing things moving but i'm pretty sure they aren't
i keep thinking i'm hearing banging around in my house when there's no one here
i'm having super intense pockets of paranoia and general freaking out
i'm feeling pockets of panic attacks again
i'm not motivated to do anything whatsoever, and i've gone for days at a time without showering
i want as little social interaction as possible
it's been super hard for me to concentrate on things
super hard for me to make up my mind about anything
super hard to think critically about things
i feel like i'm living in a haze, disconnected, like this is a dream and everything is very surreal
i'm not necessarily depressed, i don't think i'm that depressed at all really. i am starting to get really distressed about this though.

about 2 years ago i was disgnosed with rapid cycling bipolar 1 with psychotic tendencies. at the time, though, i wasn't having as many psychotic symptoms, it was more of an issue of dramatic mood swings. i've become increasingly out of touch with reality lately and very reculsive.

i was on a bunch of ssri meds a couple years ago:
lexapro, zoloft, cymbalta, prozac
i was on adderall
and then
i was on risperdal 20 mg every day, by itself.

please give me some suggestions, advice, or what you think might be happening here, because it's freaking me out and i don't know what to do. i have no insurance and i haven't seen my psychiatrist or therapist in about a year.

objectivication?

we're not to develop as individuals if we continue to speak of ourselves only. let us discourse ideas, objects, points of references, and past experiences without the need to affirm our ids.
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Seroquel

I've been on Seroquel for about 6 weeks now. So far I've noticed no side effects, a bit blurred vision, but, I think that comes from not wearing my glasses while I am using the PC, as I am supposed to be. It's worked amazingly well with my ups and downs (I'm Bi-Polar with Social Anxiety, boarder line personality disorder, ADHD, OCD and Insomnia -from hell-) and believe it or not, this medication, out of all the bi-polar medications I have tired (including lithium, which, just left me as a vegetable and slept all the time) is actually seeming to work.

I was wondering if there might be some more people out there who take Seroquel and what your feed back/response to the medication is and what I might to expect on down the road as I continue taking it (I take 400mg at night before I go to sleep).

Any information or feedback is greatly appreciated.

~s

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Bi-Polar Community

Crazy Meds

In-Treatment

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Friends list

Hey guys.. I'm just writing this because a few of you have mentioned how you try to see my other entries but they're set to 'friends only' or whatever. This is because I just created this account recently, and a lot of it needs to be kept kinda private due to people mentioned, etc.. mostly people on MySpace, which is why I created a LiveJournal. So, if you would like to be on my friends list, feel free to let me know and I'll add you. You can also reach me personally on aim - xwickedbutterfly or yahoo - broken_butterflywings, and my MySpace link is on my profile, or just look me up as beautiful_xx_disaster

Talk to you all later, I hope everyone's having a good day..

-Dani

(no subject)

I am very desperate for help. Anything is appreciated.
My brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia five years ago. He's on and off medication. He hates taking it and when he does it only works for a few months and than he flips out again. His doctors, in the next two weeks, are going to put him on Clozapine (Clozaril) for treatment-resistant schizophrenia. I know about all the danger side effects and the percent of people its helped and the rate blah blah but I dont know anyone or any information with people who have had first hand experiences with this medication.
Also my brother is extremely delusional and I dont know what to say/ do when he is like that. I dont want to just make em pop a pill or take him to the hospital every time he flips out. He thinks I am against him for that. What are some things that I am suppose to do or say because in all honesty, I dont understand a bit of him.